Good Grief 6-3-91 / 11:30pm
It's amazing that in such
a rushing violent death
I can see an inner peace.
That horrible beauty,
rushing violent death,
and to accept it.
His rushing violent death.
My beautiful brother.
Grief brought my pen to paper. It was my first tool in dealing with the loss of my brother. Yes, this blog started out heavy on the death side. That is how I got started. This is not the end either. Grief doesn't go away, it just gets different with time. A couple of hours after deciding to accept his death, I understood what it meant to acknowledge the beauty of his life, despite the brutal truth.
2009/01/07
The Last Paradox
The Last Paradox 6-3-91 / 7:00pm
Onwards inside death
lay a euphoric tranquility.
Past the last synapse
of pain and fear,
parallel to reality.
To live that moment.
To die that moment.
Whilst overlapping states
of body and spirit
dissolve to their own:
So this is what it's like to die.
How pleasant.
And the art of dying is accepted
as the act of living is
before the birth of death.
Note: After years of struggling with the violent death of my brother and acceptance of that death in the same sentence I started to look for something positive, something peaceful. He deserves better than that, I deserve better than that.
Onwards inside death
lay a euphoric tranquility.
Past the last synapse
of pain and fear,
parallel to reality.
To live that moment.
To die that moment.
Whilst overlapping states
of body and spirit
dissolve to their own:
So this is what it's like to die.
How pleasant.
And the art of dying is accepted
as the act of living is
before the birth of death.
Note: After years of struggling with the violent death of my brother and acceptance of that death in the same sentence I started to look for something positive, something peaceful. He deserves better than that, I deserve better than that.
2008/12/15
Toast
the sky was jelly
the earth was chunky peanut butter
thinking of her was like a knife
and i was a piece of toast
the evening without her was
everywhere
and it was spread all over
Note: No matter what you do that person is there, you can't stop thinking about them and you miss them. Somehow something as simple as a snack before going to sleep is not free from that longing and it is next to painful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ec3XILmLTPE
the earth was chunky peanut butter
thinking of her was like a knife
and i was a piece of toast
the evening without her was
everywhere
and it was spread all over
Note: No matter what you do that person is there, you can't stop thinking about them and you miss them. Somehow something as simple as a snack before going to sleep is not free from that longing and it is next to painful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ec3XILmLTPE
2008/11/14
Memorial Day
Memorial Day 5-30-94
The crickets chirp.
The crow caws.
The pinwheel squeaks
in the wind.
The dog barks.
The bug crawls on my knee.
The old man plants flowers
in the distance.
Roughly eight o'clock p.m.
and eighty degrees.
Summertime.
The squirrels are busy
and the grass has grown for the day.
The trees whisper at dusk.
The sun has gone
and the night rolls in.
The cemetery is closing,
come again.
The crickets chirp.
The crow caws.
The pinwheel squeaks
in the wind.
The dog barks.
The bug crawls on my knee.
The old man plants flowers
in the distance.
Roughly eight o'clock p.m.
and eighty degrees.
Summertime.
The squirrels are busy
and the grass has grown for the day.
The trees whisper at dusk.
The sun has gone
and the night rolls in.
The cemetery is closing,
come again.
2008/11/13
Stone Rubbing
Stone Rubbing 4-22-94
It's been there for days
sitting in the sun
in the snow
for years now
outside plain as day.
It's been a long time
to visit so often
to lay paper flat
and to color sideways
with a crayon.
It's been a long time
for days now,
a long way to saving
the markings on this stone.
It's been there for days
sitting in the sun
in the snow
for years now
outside plain as day.
It's been a long time
to visit so often
to lay paper flat
and to color sideways
with a crayon.
It's been a long time
for days now,
a long way to saving
the markings on this stone.
2008/11/12
Consecration of an Angel
Consecration of an Angel 3-18-94
Anointed on gold immaculate.
Robed in velvet red.
This crimson scarlet guardian.
Of wings majestic, chatoyant adornments.
Wafting on the premonition of death.
His sentient gesture of solace in the breeze
waits with empathetic sadness.
He must know what is to come.
You can see it in his eyes.
There is no other tranquility
for his mere hands,
his trusting arms folded open
propending to comfort the gentle soul of this
child
about to come unto him.
Suffer not my beloved.
Blessed you are safe.
I will show you the way.
The consecration of an angel.
Anointed on gold immaculate.
Robed in velvet red.
This crimson scarlet guardian.
Of wings majestic, chatoyant adornments.
Wafting on the premonition of death.
His sentient gesture of solace in the breeze
waits with empathetic sadness.
He must know what is to come.
You can see it in his eyes.
There is no other tranquility
for his mere hands,
his trusting arms folded open
propending to comfort the gentle soul of this
child
about to come unto him.
Suffer not my beloved.
Blessed you are safe.
I will show you the way.
The consecration of an angel.
2008/11/11
New Years Day
New Years Day 1-1-94 / 2:00am
In the still chill of the cemetery
as a full moon wanes in the fourth day
my composure fades.
Sometimes I wonder which way he's looking.
His broken young bones laying there
Earth to Earth, our little angel.
Sometimes I wish I was God
Suffer the little children
to come unto me
and forbid them not.
At times I wish he had some
grandiose delusion -
said that he was Jesus or something
that some day he'd come back
to life,
and the joke would be over.
Sometimes I just pray
and kiss his grave crying.
In the still chill of the cemetery
as a full moon wanes in the fourth day
my composure fades.
Sometimes I wonder which way he's looking.
His broken young bones laying there
Earth to Earth, our little angel.
Sometimes I wish I was God
Suffer the little children
to come unto me
and forbid them not.
At times I wish he had some
grandiose delusion -
said that he was Jesus or something
that some day he'd come back
to life,
and the joke would be over.
Sometimes I just pray
and kiss his grave crying.
2008/11/10
Intrinsic Guardian
Intrinsic Guardian 10-4-93
Good afternoon angelic death
sing in your cathedral choir
envelop my senses subdued
by your greeting.
Kiss my tears
as they leave my face.
Stand behind them
as they fall to the cement.
Wait in my footsteps
as they evaporate in the sun.
I want you to follow me
through my life
to assure the free spirit
of my grief
and the recollections
of my senses.
Good afternoon angelic death
sing in your cathedral choir
envelop my senses subdued
by your greeting.
Kiss my tears
as they leave my face.
Stand behind them
as they fall to the cement.
Wait in my footsteps
as they evaporate in the sun.
I want you to follow me
through my life
to assure the free spirit
of my grief
and the recollections
of my senses.
2008/11/06
Angel Bones
Angel Bones 6-14-93 / 1:15am
Thought: Grieving over the loss of a brother. It was about eighty degrees, the sun was shining and a slight rain was coming down. Slight enough that the driveway stayed dry but enough that you could smell it from the kitchen table and hear it in the trees.
Remnants of a fallen angel
where ever they may settle
find a way
to brush the dust from my soul.
I stumbled upon them
in the slumber of my dreams
browsing through boxed memories
unearthed from the feeling field.
Angel bones
parched white in the sun
blinded my eyes with tears
flooding my soul with relief.
Thought: Have you ever lost a sibling in your youth? Have you ever stashed away in the attic, in a box, the personal belongings? Have you ever forgotten about that box? Have you ever looked through that box? Have you ever decorated your home with its contents?
Thought: Grieving over the loss of a brother. It was about eighty degrees, the sun was shining and a slight rain was coming down. Slight enough that the driveway stayed dry but enough that you could smell it from the kitchen table and hear it in the trees.
Remnants of a fallen angel
where ever they may settle
find a way
to brush the dust from my soul.
I stumbled upon them
in the slumber of my dreams
browsing through boxed memories
unearthed from the feeling field.
Angel bones
parched white in the sun
blinded my eyes with tears
flooding my soul with relief.
Thought: Have you ever lost a sibling in your youth? Have you ever stashed away in the attic, in a box, the personal belongings? Have you ever forgotten about that box? Have you ever looked through that box? Have you ever decorated your home with its contents?
2008/11/03
So I Chewed a Whole Roll of Wint-O-Green LifeSavers
So I Chewed a Whole Roll of Wint-O-Green Lifesavers 1-9-93
How silly of me to forget
he's dead.
I should have written it down.
I was so quiet climbing out of my bunkbed
trying not to step on him.
I felt so stupid wondering
where he was
and then remembering...
So I chewed a whole roll of Wint-O-Green Lifesavers
watching the mirror in the dark
just to see them spark.
It was the first time
I did it without him
and it was quite some time
before I did it again.
It's just not the same.
Author's Note: My grandma used to give us candy at night waiting for our parents to come home. She gave us Wint-O-Green Lifesavers because they smelled like our toothpaste. We were lying in bed eating candy waiting for our parents to come home. When we heard the garage door, my brother shoved the rest of his roll in his mouth. I leaned over to tell him he was going to get us in trouble and I could see sparks in his mouth as he frantically chewed the lifesavers. After that, all we did was ask Grandma for Wint-O-Green Lifesavers and then chew them up in the closet one at a time taking turns watching the sparks.
Me chewing the roll of candy was my first attempt at establishing a sense of normalcy to my life after his death. It didn't bring him back and it didn't make me feel any better. All it did was make me Cry.
Why do they spark? It is called Triboluminesence.
When the sugar crystals in the candy are crushed they are cracked and fractured. As the sugars are crushed and separated, the positive and negative charges in the crystal pieces excite electrons in nitrogen molecules and the energy released from this is visible as a spark.
The wintergreen flavor (methyl salicylate) in Wint-O-Green lifesavers is naturally fluorescent and makes the mostly invisible (ultraviolet) sparks more visible, and more fun!
How silly of me to forget
he's dead.
I should have written it down.
I was so quiet climbing out of my bunkbed
trying not to step on him.
I felt so stupid wondering
where he was
and then remembering...
So I chewed a whole roll of Wint-O-Green Lifesavers
watching the mirror in the dark
just to see them spark.
It was the first time
I did it without him
and it was quite some time
before I did it again.
It's just not the same.
Author's Note: My grandma used to give us candy at night waiting for our parents to come home. She gave us Wint-O-Green Lifesavers because they smelled like our toothpaste. We were lying in bed eating candy waiting for our parents to come home. When we heard the garage door, my brother shoved the rest of his roll in his mouth. I leaned over to tell him he was going to get us in trouble and I could see sparks in his mouth as he frantically chewed the lifesavers. After that, all we did was ask Grandma for Wint-O-Green Lifesavers and then chew them up in the closet one at a time taking turns watching the sparks.
Me chewing the roll of candy was my first attempt at establishing a sense of normalcy to my life after his death. It didn't bring him back and it didn't make me feel any better. All it did was make me Cry.
Why do they spark? It is called Triboluminesence.
When the sugar crystals in the candy are crushed they are cracked and fractured. As the sugars are crushed and separated, the positive and negative charges in the crystal pieces excite electrons in nitrogen molecules and the energy released from this is visible as a spark.
The wintergreen flavor (methyl salicylate) in Wint-O-Green lifesavers is naturally fluorescent and makes the mostly invisible (ultraviolet) sparks more visible, and more fun!
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