the sky was jelly
the earth was chunky peanut butter
thinking of her was like a knife
and i was a piece of toast
the evening without her was
everywhere
and it was spread all over
Note: No matter what you do that person is there, you can't stop thinking about them and you miss them. Somehow something as simple as a snack before going to sleep is not free from that longing and it is next to painful.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ec3XILmLTPE
2008/12/15
2008/11/14
Memorial Day
Memorial Day 5-30-94
The crickets chirp.
The crow caws.
The pinwheel squeaks
in the wind.
The dog barks.
The bug crawls on my knee.
The old man plants flowers
in the distance.
Roughly eight o'clock p.m.
and eighty degrees.
Summertime.
The squirrels are busy
and the grass has grown for the day.
The trees whisper at dusk.
The sun has gone
and the night rolls in.
The cemetery is closing,
come again.
The crickets chirp.
The crow caws.
The pinwheel squeaks
in the wind.
The dog barks.
The bug crawls on my knee.
The old man plants flowers
in the distance.
Roughly eight o'clock p.m.
and eighty degrees.
Summertime.
The squirrels are busy
and the grass has grown for the day.
The trees whisper at dusk.
The sun has gone
and the night rolls in.
The cemetery is closing,
come again.
2008/11/13
Stone Rubbing
Stone Rubbing 4-22-94
It's been there for days
sitting in the sun
in the snow
for years now
outside plain as day.
It's been a long time
to visit so often
to lay paper flat
and to color sideways
with a crayon.
It's been a long time
for days now,
a long way to saving
the markings on this stone.
It's been there for days
sitting in the sun
in the snow
for years now
outside plain as day.
It's been a long time
to visit so often
to lay paper flat
and to color sideways
with a crayon.
It's been a long time
for days now,
a long way to saving
the markings on this stone.
2008/11/12
Consecration of an Angel
Consecration of an Angel 3-18-94
Anointed on gold immaculate.
Robed in velvet red.
This crimson scarlet guardian.
Of wings majestic, chatoyant adornments.
Wafting on the premonition of death.
His sentient gesture of solace in the breeze
waits with empathetic sadness.
He must know what is to come.
You can see it in his eyes.
There is no other tranquility
for his mere hands,
his trusting arms folded open
propending to comfort the gentle soul of this
child
about to come unto him.
Suffer not my beloved.
Blessed you are safe.
I will show you the way.
The consecration of an angel.
Anointed on gold immaculate.
Robed in velvet red.
This crimson scarlet guardian.
Of wings majestic, chatoyant adornments.
Wafting on the premonition of death.
His sentient gesture of solace in the breeze
waits with empathetic sadness.
He must know what is to come.
You can see it in his eyes.
There is no other tranquility
for his mere hands,
his trusting arms folded open
propending to comfort the gentle soul of this
child
about to come unto him.
Suffer not my beloved.
Blessed you are safe.
I will show you the way.
The consecration of an angel.
2008/11/11
New Years Day
New Years Day 1-1-94 / 2:00am
In the still chill of the cemetery
as a full moon wanes in the fourth day
my composure fades.
Sometimes I wonder which way he's looking.
His broken young bones laying there
Earth to Earth, our little angel.
Sometimes I wish I was God
Suffer the little children
to come unto me
and forbid them not.
At times I wish he had some
grandiose delusion -
said that he was Jesus or something
that some day he'd come back
to life,
and the joke would be over.
Sometimes I just pray
and kiss his grave crying.
In the still chill of the cemetery
as a full moon wanes in the fourth day
my composure fades.
Sometimes I wonder which way he's looking.
His broken young bones laying there
Earth to Earth, our little angel.
Sometimes I wish I was God
Suffer the little children
to come unto me
and forbid them not.
At times I wish he had some
grandiose delusion -
said that he was Jesus or something
that some day he'd come back
to life,
and the joke would be over.
Sometimes I just pray
and kiss his grave crying.
2008/11/10
Intrinsic Guardian
Intrinsic Guardian 10-4-93
Good afternoon angelic death
sing in your cathedral choir
envelop my senses subdued
by your greeting.
Kiss my tears
as they leave my face.
Stand behind them
as they fall to the cement.
Wait in my footsteps
as they evaporate in the sun.
I want you to follow me
through my life
to assure the free spirit
of my grief
and the recollections
of my senses.
Good afternoon angelic death
sing in your cathedral choir
envelop my senses subdued
by your greeting.
Kiss my tears
as they leave my face.
Stand behind them
as they fall to the cement.
Wait in my footsteps
as they evaporate in the sun.
I want you to follow me
through my life
to assure the free spirit
of my grief
and the recollections
of my senses.
2008/11/06
Angel Bones
Angel Bones 6-14-93 / 1:15am
Thought: Grieving over the loss of a brother. It was about eighty degrees, the sun was shining and a slight rain was coming down. Slight enough that the driveway stayed dry but enough that you could smell it from the kitchen table and hear it in the trees.
Remnants of a fallen angel
where ever they may settle
find a way
to brush the dust from my soul.
I stumbled upon them
in the slumber of my dreams
browsing through boxed memories
unearthed from the feeling field.
Angel bones
parched white in the sun
blinded my eyes with tears
flooding my soul with relief.
Thought: Have you ever lost a sibling in your youth? Have you ever stashed away in the attic, in a box, the personal belongings? Have you ever forgotten about that box? Have you ever looked through that box? Have you ever decorated your home with its contents?
Thought: Grieving over the loss of a brother. It was about eighty degrees, the sun was shining and a slight rain was coming down. Slight enough that the driveway stayed dry but enough that you could smell it from the kitchen table and hear it in the trees.
Remnants of a fallen angel
where ever they may settle
find a way
to brush the dust from my soul.
I stumbled upon them
in the slumber of my dreams
browsing through boxed memories
unearthed from the feeling field.
Angel bones
parched white in the sun
blinded my eyes with tears
flooding my soul with relief.
Thought: Have you ever lost a sibling in your youth? Have you ever stashed away in the attic, in a box, the personal belongings? Have you ever forgotten about that box? Have you ever looked through that box? Have you ever decorated your home with its contents?
2008/11/03
So I Chewed a Whole Roll of Wint-O-Green LifeSavers
So I Chewed a Whole Roll of Wint-O-Green Lifesavers 1-9-93
How silly of me to forget
he's dead.
I should have written it down.
I was so quiet climbing out of my bunkbed
trying not to step on him.
I felt so stupid wondering
where he was
and then remembering...
So I chewed a whole roll of Wint-O-Green Lifesavers
watching the mirror in the dark
just to see them spark.
It was the first time
I did it without him
and it was quite some time
before I did it again.
It's just not the same.
Author's Note: My grandma used to give us candy at night waiting for our parents to come home. She gave us Wint-O-Green Lifesavers because they smelled like our toothpaste. We were lying in bed eating candy waiting for our parents to come home. When we heard the garage door, my brother shoved the rest of his roll in his mouth. I leaned over to tell him he was going to get us in trouble and I could see sparks in his mouth as he frantically chewed the lifesavers. After that, all we did was ask Grandma for Wint-O-Green Lifesavers and then chew them up in the closet one at a time taking turns watching the sparks.
Me chewing the roll of candy was my first attempt at establishing a sense of normalcy to my life after his death. It didn't bring him back and it didn't make me feel any better. All it did was make me Cry.
Why do they spark? It is called Triboluminesence.
When the sugar crystals in the candy are crushed they are cracked and fractured. As the sugars are crushed and separated, the positive and negative charges in the crystal pieces excite electrons in nitrogen molecules and the energy released from this is visible as a spark.
The wintergreen flavor (methyl salicylate) in Wint-O-Green lifesavers is naturally fluorescent and makes the mostly invisible (ultraviolet) sparks more visible, and more fun!
How silly of me to forget
he's dead.
I should have written it down.
I was so quiet climbing out of my bunkbed
trying not to step on him.
I felt so stupid wondering
where he was
and then remembering...
So I chewed a whole roll of Wint-O-Green Lifesavers
watching the mirror in the dark
just to see them spark.
It was the first time
I did it without him
and it was quite some time
before I did it again.
It's just not the same.
Author's Note: My grandma used to give us candy at night waiting for our parents to come home. She gave us Wint-O-Green Lifesavers because they smelled like our toothpaste. We were lying in bed eating candy waiting for our parents to come home. When we heard the garage door, my brother shoved the rest of his roll in his mouth. I leaned over to tell him he was going to get us in trouble and I could see sparks in his mouth as he frantically chewed the lifesavers. After that, all we did was ask Grandma for Wint-O-Green Lifesavers and then chew them up in the closet one at a time taking turns watching the sparks.
Me chewing the roll of candy was my first attempt at establishing a sense of normalcy to my life after his death. It didn't bring him back and it didn't make me feel any better. All it did was make me Cry.
Why do they spark? It is called Triboluminesence.
When the sugar crystals in the candy are crushed they are cracked and fractured. As the sugars are crushed and separated, the positive and negative charges in the crystal pieces excite electrons in nitrogen molecules and the energy released from this is visible as a spark.
The wintergreen flavor (methyl salicylate) in Wint-O-Green lifesavers is naturally fluorescent and makes the mostly invisible (ultraviolet) sparks more visible, and more fun!
2008/10/31
This Understanding About Death
This Understanding About Death 1-17-92
It's just a part of life
and for me to be afraid of death,
to ignore death or to hide death
would have that part of my life confined
unable to grow spiritually.
That would take away from me
the freedom to live life
to its full potential.
Writing about death
exposes my feelings,
my thoughts an my fears about death
of the people around me
and within myself.
In doing that I can find
an acceptance of death
and I am able to live with death freely
no matter how morbid it may seem.
It's just a part of life
and for me to be afraid of death,
to ignore death or to hide death
would have that part of my life confined
unable to grow spiritually.
That would take away from me
the freedom to live life
to its full potential.
Writing about death
exposes my feelings,
my thoughts an my fears about death
of the people around me
and within myself.
In doing that I can find
an acceptance of death
and I am able to live with death freely
no matter how morbid it may seem.
2008/10/26
The Star
The Star 8-25-83
Sometimes I like to look at the stars and think.
One night I discovered a new star.
I never saw it before nor one like it.
It was bigger and brighter than any other star in the sky.
It seemed like I could reach out and touch it.
It gave me the chills.
I sat and admired my new star.
I don't know why but it looked like the star started to cry.
I watched it very carefully,
and after a few minutes it winked at me.
I winked back and said
"Hello star. Where did you come from?".
and as casual as jelly on toast in a child’s voice it said
"Well my friend, I came from the earth like you
but I had to leave for my new home up here
and I've been sitting here for about seven years
waiting for you to think of me
and notice me.
I didn't know if I should pinch myself
to see if I was dreaming
or to talk back
so I sat still
and after a moment of silence, the star said sadly.
" I have a new star moving next door to me pretty soon.
I just hope you don't take as long to notice her
as you took to notice me
because I missed you."
Just then I realized why the star was crying
and started to cry myself.
I'm sure there are more stars of mine out there
and everybody has at least one
but maybe didn't find it yet.
How about you?
Author's note: I had a dream that my grandmother was talking to me about dying and in my dream she was a star. As a kid, I recall looking up trying to see where heaven was after my brother was killed. Stars in the sky was about 6 months after the accident. I didn’t connect the two (the accident and the crying stars) until seven years later when my grandmother talked to me in the dream. Five days after that dream, the same number of points in a star, my grandmother died.
Sometimes I like to look at the stars and think.
One night I discovered a new star.
I never saw it before nor one like it.
It was bigger and brighter than any other star in the sky.
It seemed like I could reach out and touch it.
It gave me the chills.
I sat and admired my new star.
I don't know why but it looked like the star started to cry.
I watched it very carefully,
and after a few minutes it winked at me.
I winked back and said
"Hello star. Where did you come from?".
and as casual as jelly on toast in a child’s voice it said
"Well my friend, I came from the earth like you
but I had to leave for my new home up here
and I've been sitting here for about seven years
waiting for you to think of me
and notice me.
I didn't know if I should pinch myself
to see if I was dreaming
or to talk back
so I sat still
and after a moment of silence, the star said sadly.
" I have a new star moving next door to me pretty soon.
I just hope you don't take as long to notice her
as you took to notice me
because I missed you."
Just then I realized why the star was crying
and started to cry myself.
I'm sure there are more stars of mine out there
and everybody has at least one
but maybe didn't find it yet.
How about you?
Author's note: I had a dream that my grandmother was talking to me about dying and in my dream she was a star. As a kid, I recall looking up trying to see where heaven was after my brother was killed. Stars in the sky was about 6 months after the accident. I didn’t connect the two (the accident and the crying stars) until seven years later when my grandmother talked to me in the dream. Five days after that dream, the same number of points in a star, my grandmother died.
2008/10/21
Of Whispers and Tears
Of Whispers and Tears 1-16-92
Subdued.
This vast sea of silence
and the still moon rising
has me listening to the stars.
Of whispers and tears,
the prelude to sleep
for this day’s end.
The morrow skulks
and the yester lingers.
Crepid fingers
in the waking hours
and some feeble attempt
to write my first thoughts
or even
my last recollections
of the unconscious
before they dissipate
or make sense.
Subdued.
This vast sea of silence
and the still moon rising
has me listening to the stars.
Of whispers and tears,
the prelude to sleep
for this day’s end.
The morrow skulks
and the yester lingers.
Crepid fingers
in the waking hours
and some feeble attempt
to write my first thoughts
or even
my last recollections
of the unconscious
before they dissipate
or make sense.
2008/10/17
Stars in the Sky
I've been reading my journals for the past couple of weeks. Even though I have written things years ago, some more than 30 years ago, I may still post them. A good example is the entry "Stars in the Sky". It so happens I wrote it 30 years ago to the day and it is one of the oldest writings I can find with a date on it. Many of them I never dated. In the big picture, old entries may be relevant. I'm not going to copy my journal and paste it into this blog. I will post what moves me at the time.
Stars in the Sky 10-17-76
Beautiful sight
late at night.
The stars in the sky
it seems
they begin to
cry.
I don't know.
I just don't know why
they
begin
to cry.
Stars in the Sky 10-17-76
Beautiful sight
late at night.
The stars in the sky
it seems
they begin to
cry.
I don't know.
I just don't know why
they
begin
to cry.
2008/10/08
Don't Expect Anything Epic
"At times it is easier to endure the heartless world in the comfort of your family; At times it is easier to endure the departure of comforts in the heart of your family".
I originally wrote that down on 2007/01/19 but I needed an opening post for the blog. Didn't want to take the time to try and be epic right from GO. So I went with something I believe in and feel can be truthful, but yet concise. Did I mention that I talk in circular references sometimes?
What do you say when the parent of a friend dies? What if the relationship between the parent and child was close? How can visiting relatives help share the pain if having them around is kind of a pain?
Those are all rhetorical questions of course. When one needs an opening post to a blog before they go to bed, they should stick to the truth. Save the pleasantries and niceties for decorating cakes and sweet dreams.
I originally wrote that down on 2007/01/19 but I needed an opening post for the blog. Didn't want to take the time to try and be epic right from GO. So I went with something I believe in and feel can be truthful, but yet concise. Did I mention that I talk in circular references sometimes?
What do you say when the parent of a friend dies? What if the relationship between the parent and child was close? How can visiting relatives help share the pain if having them around is kind of a pain?
Those are all rhetorical questions of course. When one needs an opening post to a blog before they go to bed, they should stick to the truth. Save the pleasantries and niceties for decorating cakes and sweet dreams.
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