http://www.flickr.com/photos/rebelwithafrog/4198790397/ singing down to the soil beneath my shoes. my heart beats frantic like the wind. it carries me to the horizon and the sunrise listens. there is a busy new day waiting with a simple calm. i can tell by the way the sparrows flutter in the trees, by the way the colors blend in the sky. and I shall soon be to work.
of miles past bud vase resting in a dash flowers cut fresh funerals accepted white and blue different colors different days different people same outcome rememberance as i drive
Look behind the door on your way to the basement. There you will find primary implements of death. They were bought at a big box store three for a dollar. Does the color make it fun? Does the cheap price make it right? Does the place they hang imply guilty remorse or obscure convenience? Who would decorate their home with this carnival?
*i waited for the chance to meet her in the garden. an hour consuming summer’s beautiful display. children play, flowers bloom, hopscotch, blue spirea breeze ruffles the foliage. perfumes of russian sage broadcast and saturate my senses delight. the sweet nectar attracts us both. she arrives. to see her fine hair so golden by the velvet black sunlight. to know she frequently visits regardless of my devotion. to admire her form and dainty sip refreshing.
I am offered a glimpse, a fleeting moment in the shade. to blink not for want for a thousand words i silently stutter my worth; rendered invisible, of no interest. and as quickly as she came she is away.
Author's Note: I intended for this to be a poem by itself without the picture so I took the part "of my lense" off of the end of the line "a fleeting moment in the shade". The removed text appears in the original version on flickr, but not here. The poem is intended to be read while viewing the picture, but it should not rely on it. It should be able to be read by itself. Both are independent. Both belong with the other.
In the end, whatever you do, be devoted to it. Be passionate about it. Don't go about it half way with idle thoughts of other doings. Don't be concerned with what you could have done or what you should do. Don't worry about what you can or cannot do. Aerodynamically, bumble bees should not be able to fly. Do you think they know that? Whatever you do, just embark and do. The world needs more people who are in love and alive with passion.
Be in love and you will find your nectar in the blooms.
All these things unwritten, passing these moments I sit and ponder tranquility. What is it that catches the eye of Raphael’s little angels? These quiet times before bedtime, they hold the leisure of the child angels. Not that of great importance but, that in part, the necessity of sanity. With a sip of tea and an ill idle pen words of the moment pass. Goodnight.
Author's Note: Same today as it was back then. To sit in leisure with the intention to write and then to not write. The house is sleeping. For the most part the ticking clock reminds me that nothing has been written, regardless of the temperature of my tea. When tea is at the right temperature you want to sip it all. Why waste the best sipping time? I should sip it all. But I should not gulp tea. Why would I gulp Golden Monkey? It is a fine tea with complex chocolate undertones. I brew it by the cup. I enjoy the aroma. Well, writing is like that. Now is not the time to purge. I must scribe a bit and savor. Even if I don't write anything on paper, I must enjoy the weight of the pen in my hand and the feel of the paper underneath. Goodnight again.
The darkness and the chilling breeze was about as comfortable as strangers milling about without acknowledgment. I’m out of typical with urgency bent Apart from anchored freight
I have no idea what to expect But I felt like I needed to become evident
An occasional seagull passes by, The waves continue to sound regardless, And variations of a theme are practiced. Aside from now, this morning, as I situate myself observer of the routine. A customary sunrise.
From darkness, I feel myself passing through the blue hour into first blush of dawn. The blue water of a new era.
About this blue water sunrise thing. What’s behind the words? What do they really mean?
The darkness and the chilling breeze was about as comfortable as strangers milling about without acknowledgment. It was dark and I was cold. There were people fishing in the dark who were cold. I said hey to a guy and he just stopped and stared at me without a word. There was just this blank acknowledgment between two people out on a pier, in the morning before the sun was up, without any conversation or nothing.
I’m out of typical with urgency bent. I was doing something different in my grieving. Not because I wanted to. I felt as if I needed to.
Apart from anchored freight I’m celebrating life without baggage. In a way this is a visual metaphor for comparison and contrast between the ship anchored off the breakwater and me celebrating life without baggage. I mean, even after years of dealing with losing a brother, there’s still baggage. It was different to just anchor that baggage and, and do something different. To realize at some point in my journey that I may leave it behind.
I have no idea what to expect But I felt like I needed to become evident Just do it, even if you don’t have planned expectations and outcomes. Life is not like that. You know, if, if I never went down to the pier to photograph the sunrise, this, this wouldn’t have happened. This would have never happened. I would have done the same thing.
An occasional seagull passes by I was there from darkness well into the morning. That is a long time to stare at something. There were many yawns and many glances around. There were many different birds doing the same thing at different times; passing by.
The waves continue to sound regardless. And I don’t mean the…, the waves sound regardless as in they just keep going on making sounds no matter what. They sound regardless in the sense that they continue to make sounds like they just don’t care. They don’t care. That’s what I mean. No matter what, time keeps going.
And variations of a theme are practiced Habitual and ritual throughout time, both in art, and in life, practice desires growth. In order to flourish, art and life must be active. Art and life are growing entities that needs to be cultivated...; brown crunchy leaves don't flourish even when they're still attached to the tree.
Aside from now, this morning, as I situate myself observer of the routine I’m doing something different. I watched something routine out of my routine.
A customary sunrise. An exercise on how not to take this moment in my life for granted. With a glance it is just an image of a sunrise. Watching the evolution of the sunrise from darkness to blinding light, through moments of varied colors and slightly different tones, causes me to reflect upon my mood in a positive way. The sunrise happens every day. As many of them as I have watched, they are not all the same. Therein gives rise to the variations of a theme. The composure and aplomb between nature and self; above the fog and clouds, above the snow, above the rain, the sun shines. I consider that a gift.
From darkness, I feel myself passing through the blue hour into first blush of dawn. The blue hour is twilight. It is neither full darkness nor complete daylight and exists about an hour before the sun rises above the horizon and an hour after it sets on the horizon. This is an amazing time of day. If there is ever a way that being vivid could be subtle, then this is it. I couldn’t put my finger on the moment, but I could feel feeling different. The change in perspective was vivid and yet very subtle.
The blue water of a new era. Things on the horizon are a bit altered and may not appear as I once knew them. There is a swelling freshness to the aroma of exploration. The changes that reveal themselves in time could be plenteous. I see this new stage of grief as a new era.
-----Original Message----- From: Rebel with a Frog Sent:, September 29, 3:02 AM To: 'Friend' Subject: RE: You
I wrote this a while back so I could have my own prayer and not have to rely on a religious one. (I used to have a problem with church. Now, my mind is open to it.)
Salve My Jagged Nerves 1-24-91 / 2:00pm
In times of despair, 'Faith' is the word on my mind. That in my daily prayers for knowledge and strength, Gods' will shall have a moment of serenity to salve my jagged nerves, so I may see that everything’s going to be all right.
You can say it out loud if you like; I have faith in you.
Rocket ship sanity. Lucidity on a string. Cinnamon cappuccino sippings entrap a waltzing instinct, whereof my Barcoliner recliner. Gazing from the corner of my eye, it's Flash Gordon through the snow. He's got his hands in his pockets on his way to save the universe, real casual like. A skyward cloud jockey carousing Oysters Rockefeller. What's your silver lining and why? Black coat, top hat and tie or flannel boxers and pajama tops? You believe mine is greener than your side of the fence, you forget, there are no fences in the sky. Stand and deliver, you cannot fool your soul. Hors D'oeuvres are served from pole to pole. Relax and save your universe.
Authors Note: So what does cappuccino, pajamas, Oysters Rockefeller and Flash Gordon have to do with stress management? Sometimes it has everything to do with. There will always be things present in life that don’t make sense at that particular moment. Even though it may be true, it may not make sense. Under certain circumstances or from a different perspective it completely makes sense, but not from the present context.
The snow outside is coming down hard. I’m a bit stressed and I want to relax. I’m sitting in my recliner sipping some cappuccino and watching an old Flash Gordon movie. I get a kick out of the scenes with the toy rocket smoke bomb on a string. Unbelievable and ludicrous, but yet lucidity wins. I cheer him on even though I know he’s going to come out on top. Flash foils Ming’s threat to humanity with a casual urgency. He saved the Universe. So I get up and walk to the window with my hands in my pocket. Those few steps lasted longer than they actually took. Did I have too much cappuccino or was this moment surreal? The thing that was stressing me didn’t make enough sense to stress about anymore. My brain is my universe and I must defend it with the same casual urgency.
I was hungry and wanted something to snack on. The TV said something about Oysters Rockefeller. I have this ardent distaste for seafood so I made a box of Pizza Rolls. Oysters Rockefeller is not the Hors D'oeuvre in this piece. Oysters Rockefeller represents my Ming the Merciless. With a clear head and a proper perspective, it doesn’t matter what the Hors D’oeuvre is. Everything I need for the situation to harmony is right there in my universe. I just need to relax and fly that rocket ship.
As when three leaves left the tree I stood up naked in the window watching the heated summer day fall to the ground. I stood there a moment left cold in shortened breath contemplating the arrival of a winters chill, forestalled simply by getting dressed.
I imagined you here and baked a cake at the thought of you.
Still in the midst of winter, a naked man stands in the window reflecting the new fallen snow just like icing, white as a wedding cake cooling on the counter. A warm sweet fresh baked aroma permeates my apartment as I get dressed again.
Authors Note: Frosting is about Autumn changing to Winter, keeping warm, and my recurring thoughts of a spouse while baking cakes.
About the naked part... I wake up, bake a cake, make frosting, take a shower when the cake is cooling, I walk past my chest high window on the way out of the shower and check the weather outside. In the winter, when I bake the most cakes, this is cold, and a new snow on the trees is beautiful.
I left the first word "As" out of the video. The introduction of the ingredients didn't transition well to the reading of the poem. "As" was kind of abrupt. "When" is smoother, like the frosting.
This depression era frosting goes best with angel food cake, in my opinion. Graham crackers is a close second. Sometimes after frosting a cake, the leftovers wind up on grahm crackers.
7 Minute Frosting 1/4 cup Butter (Not Margarine or Vegetable Spread! Use Real Butter!) 1 Egg 1/2 tsp. Vanilla 1/4 tsp. Salt 1/4 Cup Cold Water (Ice water without the Ice works best.) 1/4 Cup Flour 1 lb. Powdered Sugar
Cream first 5 ingredients. Add the flour and powdered sugar. Beat for 7 minutes on high.
Baker's Tips: The part about the ice water without the ice, I fill a large cup with ice and the measuring cup with ice. I wait until the ice melts enough to make 1/4 cup. Empty the ice from the measuring cup and measure the water from the large cup. Ice water works best because it keeps the butter from melting. You don't want the butter to melt.
You don't want to use room temperature butter. I use butter when it has been out of the fridge for about 10 to 20 minutes. Not room temperature, not straight out of the fridge, somewhere in-between, but more on the cold side. Well chilled butter helps keep the frosting creamy.
Try adding the first cup of the powder ingredients about 1/4 cups at a time to get things going. Then add the rest about a cup at a time until the powder is blended in just to keep the powder spray down. Once everything is in the bowl, blend it for about 7 minutes.
If the weather is hot it is best to refrigerate the frosted cake. The egg and butter are dairy products and they do get melty after a while. A thin crunchy skin develops on the frosting after about a day in the fridge. Tasty.
Considering the A.M. Four. Silent peace. Heavenly new day sleeping. Nothing moves.
Not guilt, not shame, not remorse, not self pity, not resentment, not anger, not depression, not frustration, not confusion, not loneliness, not anxiety, not betrayal, not hopelessness, not failure, not fear, not denial.
I put them down on paper to hold them still. To fold them and put them away. I save myself from these and a new child is born.
Author's Note: On Christmas Eve at 4:00am I found myself contemplating a few contenders for the New Years Resolution. Eat less chocolate, drink less caffeine, stop the foul language toward annoying drivers, and go to bed earlier. (To name a few). Excess Chocolate or a late night bed time is not really the issue needing resolve. When I get to the root of these things on said list it comes down to a number of unresolved issues. So I wrote out a list of some of these root issues for future reference. What is listed above is what that list may contain.
It's amazing that in such a rushing violent death I can see an inner peace. That horrible beauty, rushing violent death, and to accept it. His rushing violent death. My beautiful brother.
Grief brought my pen to paper. It was my first tool in dealing with the loss of my brother. Yes, this blog started out heavy on the death side. That is how I got started. This is not the end either. Grief doesn't go away, it just gets different with time. A couple of hours after deciding to accept his death, I understood what it meant to acknowledge the beauty of his life, despite the brutal truth.
Onwards inside death lay a euphoric tranquility. Past the last synapse of pain and fear, parallel to reality. To live that moment. To die that moment. Whilst overlapping states of body and spirit dissolve to their own: So this is what it's like to die. How pleasant. And the art of dying is accepted as the act of living is before the birth of death.
Note: After years of struggling with the violent death of my brother and acceptance of that death in the same sentence I started to look for something positive, something peaceful. He deserves better than that, I deserve better than that.
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